A Metamorphosis
Shortly following Christopher's death, Woody and I were standing near our seats following a Sunday morning service. Some people in our congregation were waiting to come and speak with us to share their condolences. Many had been praying for us for the past 8 months.
A woman whom we didn't know waited until the others had finished and then came and spoke with me. The woman shared her sympathy and then sheepishly asked if she could share a prayer concern.
“Of course,” I stated as I was grateful she had the courage to approach us given the circumstances. She asked if we might consider praying for her coworker who had a baby that wasn't doing well. She said she didn't know much other than the baby was in the NICU and that the mom was having a very difficult time. I inquired about the mom's and baby's names and if she knew which hospital.
The hospital was right off of the freeway that I used to drive to and from work. I made a mental note to look for it while commuting to help me to remember. As I drove past the hospital each morning and afternoon, I would say a prayer for them. From our experience, I knew that many NICU stays are pretty short so I wasn’t sure if they were there but I prayed for them anyway.
One day as I was heading home from work, I started to pray for them as I approached the hospital. I was looking forward to going home following a long day at work. Up until this moment, I had felt disconnected since I didn't know the parents, baby or anyone on the hospital NICU staff. However, as I prayed this day I felt the Lord encouraging me to drive to the hospital.
After a quick mental debate as to all the reasons I should continue to drive home, I heeded the Lord's prompting and took the freeway exit. I drove to the hospital, found a parking space and started to pray for the baby and family while sitting in my parked car. I hadn’t been back to this hospital since Woody and I left when the Lord graciously and miraculously healed her some years prior.
While praying, I began feeling prompted to go into the hospital and to find the NICU. I didn't know this hospital’s NICU but thought there likely was a seating area where I could go and pray inconspicuously. I followed the hospital signs and found my way to the floor housing the NICU. There was a glass wall with a set of double glass doors. Inside I could see a seating area and a long counter. There was no one in the waiting area and no one behind the counter.
“Perfect,” I thought as I quietly entered. I can just slip in, pray for a little while and then be on my way home.
As I headed towards a corner of the waiting area that was furthest from the counter, a voice behind the counter stopped my plan. “Hi there. May I help you?”
“Um,” I mumbled as I tried to think about what to say. “It's a bit of a long story,” I started, as I continued to gather my thoughts. “A lady at my church told me about a co-worker of hers who had a baby and thought she was here in your NICU. Anyway, I came here to pray for her and her family.”
“What is the baby's name?” the nurse questioned.
“Well, I actually don't know the last name but I believe the baby's name is Amber and the mother's name is Pam,” I replied in a sheepish manner.
“Yes, she's here,” she replied, trying to reassure my hesitancy. “And the mother is here too. Do you want me to go get her so you can meet her?”
“Um… I don't think so,“ I said as I tried to imagine what all that would mean. “I just came here to pray for them.”
“I tell you what. Let me go and get her so you can meet her,” she said as she turned and headed into the nursery before I had time to counter her idea. I stood there at the nurses station pondering what had just transpired while trying to decide what I was to say. Soon the nurse returned with the mother in tow.
Pam was wearing an ICU gown that the nursery required visitors to wear to minimize the threat of a foreign substance being brought into the nursery. She understandably had a bewildered look on her face that seemed to say, “Who are you and why are you here?”
The nurse issued a quick introduction and asked if I would repeat to Pam why I was there.
“Um,” I started now feeling very uncomfortable. “One of your co-workers told me that your baby was in the NICU. I have been praying for you as I drive past the hospital on the way to and from work each day. As I headed home today, I felt I was supposed to come to the hospital to pray. I did and then felt I should go to the waiting area by the nursery to pray for her, so I did. You see, I had a baby in the NICU for over 7 months and I remember how difficult it was and I wanted to pray for you.”
“Oh,” Pam started while looking a bit less guarded but still perplexed. “I don't really know what to say other than, thank you.”
About that time the nurse declared, “Why don't you come and meet Amber?”
“Um, oh, no,” I stated as I was trying to process the thought. “I'm not a parent or grandparent or related...”
“You can come in,” the nurse countered while cutting my sentence short as I was busy trying to process what was happening. “You don't have a cold or fever, do you?” she continued as I shook my head, “No.” “You'll need to wash up and wear a gown, but come on back!”
“What is happening?” I wondered while being caught up in the rapidly evolving events.
The nurse opened the barrier to let me come through and then led me over to the washing station and gowns. Upon finishing, I turned and walked over to Pam and, now equally perplexed, we both started towards the back of the nursery.
“So you said your baby was in the NICU for over 7 months?” Pam asked as we walked through the nursery toward Amber's station as the nurse stayed behind. “So is your baby doing ok now?”
“Um, that's a bit of a story too,” I started as I thought about how to phrase Christopher's death. “He, um, never left the NICU. He died last month.”
“What?!” Pam said incredulously as she suddenly stopped in her tracks. “I'm so sorry,” she started as she tried to process what I said. “Wait,” she continued now looking even more perplexed. “You don't even know me and you're here praying for my baby? After what happened to your baby?”
“Well, yes…” I started as she interrupted with another question obviously still processing what I had said.
“Wait… Your baby passed away and you still pray? And you still believe in God?” she questioned while looking even more bewildered. “How can that be?” she asked as we continued to stand in the middle of the nursery.
“I know it may be hard to understand, but I believe in God more than I ever…” I started as she remained fixated on what I stated earlier.
“Wait… your baby passed away? And you still believe in God?” she repeated while shaking her head. “I don't understand…” she continued as her voice trailed off, still shaking her head as she turned and began slowly walking toward Amber.
Amber
Amber was unlike any baby I had ever seen. Her face was precious even though it had an abnormal appearance. To me she appeared almost doll-like with perfect skin. Pam explained that she had a chromosome defect that was extremely rare that affects only one in a million people. The all too familiar beeps and sounds of the medical equipment that was helping her to survive brought back memories of our recent journey.
As we stood by her bed, Pam asked me more about Christopher. I gave her a very brief summary of our experience but she continued to wrestle with how I could believe in a God that would allow a baby’s suffering and death. She asked how my wife felt and expressed that there was no way a mother could feel the same way too, could she? I told her that it indeed was extremely difficult, but her faith was also strengthened by our journey.
I offered to pray for her and her husband and for Amber. While still perplexed, she appeared to be very grateful for my visit and welcomed my prayer. I asked the Lord for help and prayed as He provided words to say.
I then apologized for intruding into their privacy, gave her our phone number, and asked her to call us if she ever needed anyone to talk to and to let us know how things were going. She again was surprised and perplexed as to why I was making that offer. I assured her that my wife and I were sincere, that we had no ulterior motive, and that we welcomed staying in touch.
Each day as I drove by the hospital on my commute, I thought about them. However, we hadn’t heard from her so we weren't sure how they were doing. I didn’t feel like I should stop praying so I tried to remain faithful in praying for them on my commutes.
While I was at Amber’s bedside, Pam shared that the majority of babies with this condition would not live beyond their first birthday while the rest die early in childhood. At least now, I had met the baby and mother and was aware of Amber’s condition and the gravity of her disease.
During this same period, Woody was told of potential complications for our second child. An ultrasound reading showed a potential risk for a placenta previa - a situation where the placenta is attached low in the uterus and can cause severe bleeding during pregnancy or delivery. The doctor had Woody take particular precautions and predetermined that the baby would need to be delivered by Cesarean section before she went into labor.
In January, Melissa Anne, our first daughter was born by Cesarean without complication. The doctor was gracious to allow me to be present during surgery to witness the birth of our second child. Besides Woody needing to recover from her surgery, we were thrilled at the arrival of this healthy, sweet child and grateful for such a wonderful gift so shortly after having to bury Christopher a little over a couple of months prior. God had helped to reduce our grief and sorrow with this blessed gift. We prayed that she would become as her name’s meaning - one who ever seeks the Lord and lives her life with grace.
Our lives became quite busy with a newborn, work, and our ongoing involvement leading the college class at our church. I tried to remember to pray for Pam and Amber on my drives but didn’t have her contact info to call and find out. I don’t recall the exact details of when Pam called but I do recall her inviting us over to their apartment to celebrate Amber coming home from the hospital and in thanks to all of the medical staff who helped to care for her and helped to instruct them on using the necessary home medical equipment. Amber had a tracheostomy and Pam had been trained for her care at home.
I met Pam’s husband, Carl, for the first time. He was a delivery driver for a large package delivery service. Carl was grilling hot dogs and hamburgers outside of their apartment when we arrived for the party. Carl was outgoing and energetic and full of life. He had an incredible amount of love for Pam and Amber. He had lost a daughter from a previous marriage and his love for Amber seemed to pour over from his prior loss. He was very gracious in welcoming Woody, Melissa and I to their home.
Following the determination of Amber’s rare condition, Pam and Carl had been told that they were carriers of a recessive gene that resulted in her condition. A second child could be born with the same genetic abnormality even though the chances were minimal. They decided not to take the risk and to not have any more children.
Pam, ever conscious of the demands in our lives, was grateful for our connection and friendship. Our meeting was at the end of the first of a couple of years of Amber going through surgeries and fighting illnesses. In spite of the odds, Amber defied the predicted outcome of her doctors and others and began to thrive. With assistance, she was able to move around their apartment, play with her toys, and express enjoyment and love with her mom and dad. Pam made an effort to remain connected through notes and cards. Woody, of course, reciprocated. With Amber’s improved health, we were able to have them over for dinner and out for an amusement park day.
Amber had been doing very well for some time following our meeting. However, eight days before Christmas and just shy of her 4th birthday, Amber went down for a nap and fell asleep in Jesus on December 17, 1989. Pam and Carl attempted to resuscitate her and were able to quickly get her emergency medical service, but Amber did not awaken.
Pam and Carl decided to bury Amber in a cemetery in Indiana next to Carl’s first daughter. We joined them for a memorial service for Amber, here in town, where they released balloons in Amber’s memory. We were able to share tears, hugs and sorrow with them.
From everything that Pam and Carl had been told, Amber’s childhood death was to be expected. But as we learned with Christopher, it is impossible to plan for death, nor the grief that comes afterwards. Pam and Carl took Amber’s death extremely hard. About three months following Amber’s death, Pam and Carl moved across town. Even in their new surroundings, they would see Amber in everything. They set up one of their bedrooms as a nursery and called it “Amber’s room.”
As we had opportunity, we continued to have Pam and Carl over for our family events and other times that we thought might help them navigate through this difficult period. They were always so grateful and appeared to be doing as well as possible.
Pam continued to work at an insurance company, but said that she was completely numb for many years. Carl began to drink and soon separated from his work. Neither of them let us know about their personal or marital struggles, but soon their marriage was in tatters. It had now been several years following Amber’s death.
I offered to get together with Carl just to see how he was doing but it took a number of months before he took me up on my offer. One day he unexpectedly called and asked if we could meet. Not knowing the seriousness of his condition I asked if we could meet at a restaurant since my office was much closer to his house. I realized that meeting over my lunch hour would limit our time together but it was my best effort at balancing this relationship with my other responsibilities. Woody and I now had four children of ages 6 and under, including an infant daughter. Life was very busy.
Carl was late arriving at the restaurant and I became concerned whether he would come at all. Once he arrived it was apparent that he was not doing well. He shared details and photos of Amber’s gravesite and tombstone and it was evident that he was still deeply grieving. I prayerfully shared some scriptures and some of my experiences which seemed to provide some encouragement but he remained quite down. He told me of his job loss and how he was unable to find another job.
Now seeing and hearing him gave me great concern. I thought getting together might provide some encouragement. Ultimately, I hoped that the Lord would bring him salvation. I suggested that we meet the following week at the same restaurant and Carl agreed. However, the following week Carl never showed. After waiting for nearly the entire time I had available, I ordered, hurriedly ate and drove back to work.
When Carl and I connected again, he was apologetic and insisted that he really would like to see me. But every time I tried, it never worked out. Once, he invited me to his house for lunch. It took much of my lunch hour to get to his house and back from work so I knew our time together would be brief. When I arrived, I found the house and yard unkempt. I went to the door and rang the bell and waited, knocked and waited. I tried again for some time. He never answered. I tried to call him later but he failed to answer. I began to believe that trying to help him was fruitless and wasn't sure if we'd ever meet again.
A metamorphosis
One evening, after Woody and I had gone to bed, the phone rang and startled us awake. “Who could that be at this hour,” we wondered. We hadn't gotten a call late at night since the hospital calls when Christopher was alive. I answered the phone and heard Carl’s voice on the other end. He was very apologetic for calling so late but wanted to know if I could come and see him. It had been some time since our last failed meeting. By his tone, I could tell he had been crying and his speech was slurred. He must be drinking, I thought. He again apologized and said he understood if I didn't come.
Everything in me said to stay in bed: I’m a new father, I have work in the morning, this guy has stood me up multiple times, it sounds like he’s been drinking, it's a 30 minute drive to his house, gasoline is expensive, it's nighttime and I've only been to his house during the daytime, and I'm not even sure it was his house because he never answered the door. Besides all of that, I'm tired.
“Let me get some clothes on and I'll be there in a bit,” I said as he thanked me and hung up the phone. After getting ready, I looked over a map to help remember how to get to his house and set the map on the passenger's seat in case I got lost.
The streets and highways were almost empty as I made my way across town. At least there's no traffic at this hour I reasoned. Amidst a feeling of futility as to why I was making all of this effort for someone I didn’t know very well I prayed, “God, this is all You. Let me just be your hands and feet.”
Everything leading up to his house appeared different in the dark but the street signs indicated that I was going the right way. I felt a small comfort when I managed to find his house. At least it looked as familiar as it could in the dark since I had only been there once and even then for only a few minutes. There were lights on in the house which helped me believe it was the right place.
I rang the doorbell, waited, and then gently knocked, worried that it might not be his house. After some time, I grew concerned that it indeed might be the wrong house and that the owner or neighbors might mistake me for an intruder. After a few moments, I tried knocking and ringing the doorbell again while debating my next move. Should I just leave and drive home knowing that I did all that I could?
The door slightly opened as I was about to turn and head back to my car. The movement and the sound startled me as I had mentally written off the chance of Carl answering. Seeing me through the crack, Carl opened the door and invited me into his home.
Carl was disheveled and his speech was slurred as he started to tell me everything all at once as we stood in his foyer. He apologized about his condition and the condition of the house as he jumped from thought to thought which included the events that had transpired since Amber’s death.
He apologized while suggesting that we move to the living room to talk. The house was a wreck with clothes, trash and items scattered all over the room. He again apologized as he cleared a path to walk and a place where we could sit down. As we made our way, I could see that his kitchen and bedroom were no better. Dirty dishes, pots, pans, trash and food items were stacked and strewn on the kitchen counters, table and floors. Cabinet doors and drawers were ajar with items in general disarray. In the bedroom, dirty clothes, papers and trash were everywhere. Unknown items were haphazardly piled all around and clothing was draped from various locations.
Carl began to sob as he was certain that Pam had left him. He told me that Pam left home to work remotely on a disaster assignment with her insurance company and relayed how he felt that she took the assignment under the pretense of work but had never planned to return. Her mother lived in the same state as the remote assignment and that she was surely seeking options to remain apart from him. He was devastated and convinced that his job loss, drinking and behavior had blown their marriage and any opportunity to ever get back together.
“Please give me some words to say,” I silently prayed as I listened to Carl repeat the overwhelming crush of everything again and again.
After some time, Carl buried his face into his hands while continuing to weep and talk somewhat aimlessly. I started to wonder if Carl was showing signs of being suicidal. I considered calling the police as I followed him until we were again standing in the foyer. After some time, I felt the courage to speak. I told him that I had no answers to what was happening with Pam and could do nothing to bring Amber back. I then told him that the only thing that I was completely assured about was the great love of the Lord and of the comfort that Woody and I found in Him during Christopher’s life and death, and how He carried us through dark times - things that I had told him before.
Carl asked me if I would please pray that Pam would come back to Him. I said that I could but that my prayers wouldn’t guarantee that Pam would come back. I then told him that everything would change if he truly surrendered and gave his life to the Lord. It was the only thing that I knew with certainty would help him. I suggested that perhaps the Lord had used his circumstances to drive him to this point of desperation and that nothing that had happened was in vain. That included Amber’s death and his separation from Pam.
After considering what I had said, Carl asked if I would pray with him to receive Christ into his life. I told him that he was the one that needed to pray. I provided him with some guidance as to the things that he could address in his prayer, namely repentance, surrender, request for salvation. Through his tears and sobbing, Carl repented of his past, surrendered his heart, and asked the Lord to save him.
I was in awe of the moment but hesitant of its reality. Carl was extremely depressed, desperate, and drunk. He was so drunk that I thought he might not remember calling me, me coming to his house, our conversation, or his prayer. I laid my hands on him and prayed - I prayed that the Lord would answer his cry and that Carl would completely surrender his life. Carl, still sobbing, hugged and thanked me for coming and for praying with him.
I felt much better about his countenance but remained uneasy about how he would be once he slept off his alcohol. I asked him if I could come by around lunch to check in on him tomorrow. With much gratitude, he said that he would really appreciate it if I would. It was now after 1AM and I had the 30 minute drive home and work in a few hours.
Later that morning I awoke early to get prepared and leave for work. I was amazed at how the Lord would give me rest following a late evening or early morning, following moments where I had stayed up late to talk and encourage someone that He placed in my life. I wondered all morning if Carl would remember his prayer earlier that morning and whether he would be responsive to me coming for lunch. I wondered if he would even come to the door.
The morning went by quickly and I slipped out of the office to make my way back to his house. I prayed on the way for God to help me and to give the right words to encourage him. I honestly thought that I was headed for a repeat of our past encounters and was hopeful that God would give me the right attitude and countenance to deal with whatever happened.
As I pulled up to the curb in front of Carl’s house, there was a car already there. I pulled up behind the car and could see someone sitting in the driver’s seat. The driver didn't notice me at first, but then he glanced up, saw me in the rear view mirror, shuffled a few things in the passenger seat, and then glanced up again before quickly driving off. “That was weird,” I thought as I pulled forward before stopping the car. After saying a quick prayer, I headed to the front door with doubts that Carl would answer. I thought he might still be sleeping considering how drunk he was just hours earlier.
Carl opened the door almost immediately when I knocked on the door. “Come on in,” he stated clearly without the drunken slur he had just hours earlier. Carl was clean, shaven, and nicely dressed unlike the dirty, disheveled man from earlier that morning. After letting me in, Carl looked outside and then popped his head out of the doorway and glanced around. “Did you see someone when you arrived?” he asked inquisitively.
“Well, there was a guy sitting in a car in front of your house right when I pulled up,” I affirmed. “He drove off once he saw me.”
“That was my drug dealer,” he responded as if I was aware that he was taking illegal drugs. “That was the weirdest thing. He came over to give me drugs for free. For free!” he emphatically restated in disbelief. “He’s never offered to give me anything for free! Can you believe that?!” he said again while looking at me for affirmation. “He couldn’t believe that I turned him down!”
As much as I wanted to take in what Carl was saying, my mouth must have been hanging open in disbelief as I glanced around the room. The front entry and living room was spotless!
“Thank you so much for coming over! And for coming over last night!” he sincerely stated. “I know you need to get back to work soon. Can I make you a sandwich?” he continued. “My specialty is a bologna, mayonnaise and onion sandwich.”
“Sounds good,” I answered without really thinking about what he was offering. I was in continued amazement as we made our way through the living room and had now glanced into a spotless bedroom and kitchen. They were clean too!
“Wow, Carl! Were you up all night cleaning?!” I incredulously asked. “The house looks amazing,” I continued while thinking he must have just shoveled everything into a closet or the garage.
“I cleaned the house after you left. I’m really sorry it was such a mess,” he stated apologetically. He then described this incredible peace that came over him and into his heart while we prayed together. “I felt so great after you prayed for me,” he continued as he walked into the kitchen and started to pull food out of the refrigerator.
Carl directed me to sit at the small table in the kitchen and asked if I wanted something to drink. Once seated, I was again amazed as I looked around the kitchen. Clean pans were hung in a very orderly fashion from hooks in clear view on the kitchen wall. I was astounded that they were all clean and neatly hung after seeing mounds of dirty pots and pans around the kitchen earlier that morning amongst old food and trash. He must have been cleaning all night! It really seemed impossible!
“You know, Abraham was an amazing man,” Carl stated as he busily went about making sandwiches for us. “He had such great faith to leave while not knowing where he was going.”
“That’s true,” I replied while surprised that he knew a person from the Bible, and particularly one from the Old Testament.
“And Noah,” he continued as he paused and appeared to gather his thoughts, “the faith it took for him to build an ark because God told him to.”
“Um, yes, he did have incredible faith. Um, Carl,” I began, now somewhat perplexed. “Did you learn all of this when you were a kid in Sunday school?”
“No,” he replied, “I was so excited after you left that I read the Bible.”
“Wait,” I began, now really mystified.“ You read the Bible after I left this morning?! I didn’t even know that you had a Bible!”
“I started at the beginning, in Genesis, and I was reading about the kings when my dealer knocked on the door,” he continued.
I was speechless for a few seconds as I contemplated how this was even possible. “You cleaned your entire house, washed and dried the laundry, put everything in order and then read a good portion of the Bible after I left?” I said in near disbelief.
“Well, that’s not all that I did,” he asserted. “I went through the house and dumped every drop of alcohol down the drain. Come, look,” he continued while motioning me to follow him into the garage.
I followed him through a door that led from the kitchen into the garage and he propped open a trash bin and started to pull out and show me a multitude of empty bottles and cans of alcohol. My mind raced back to our previous times together and I was almost sure that I never challenged him on his consumption of alcohol. Although I was concerned that he might be an alcoholic, I remember feeling certain that if he truly surrendered his life that God would help him overcome any and all of the places that he needed correction. However, this was well beyond my hope for his recovery!
As he placed the containers back into the trash, I glanced around and noticed that even the items in the garage appeared to be in order. I had earlier wondered if he perhaps just piled all of the mess of clothing, trash and junk that littered his house and crammed it into the garage. No, even the garage was orderly! With my mind spinning, I followed him back into the kitchen.
Carl returned to the sink, washed his hands, and confirmed that the bologna and onion sandwich that he wanted me to try was still ok. “I’ll give it a try,” I replied as he continued to peel and cut an onion. “Carl, I still can’t believe you did all of this reading and cleaning after I left. Didn’t you go to sleep?” I continued while still remembering how drunk he was. I felt pretty certain that he would pass out and not wake up until I came and rang the doorbell.
“I couldn't sleep very much. I was so excited!” he remarked. “You probably don’t know this about me, but I was doing some bad drugs. But after you left, I went through the house and got all of the drugs and flushed them down the toilet,” he continued almost nonchalantly. I knew from other friends that struggled with addictions how difficult it is to get to the point where you do something that dramatic. Especially since there was no one here to hold him accountable!
“And do you know what?” He said and then continued without waiting for a reply. “I was also addicted to prescription drugs. It’s amazing what doctors will give you! Anyway, I went through the entire house and I took all of those pills and flushed them down the toilet.”
I paused even longer as I tried to wrap my head around all that he told me that he did in the 10 or so hours since I had left. This is crazy!
“Carl, so let me get this straight,” I began. “You cleaned the entire house, did all of your laundry, washed and put away all of the dishes and pots and pans, put things back in order, read and understood many chapters of the Bible, cleared the house of alcohol and drugs, and slept too?! Carl, it would be remarkable that you could do one of those things since I left this morning!” I remarked while still trying to fathom how it was possible.
“Do you know what else?” he asked while turning and wiping his hands on a dish cloth and leading me into the living room. “Do you see that dresser?” he said while pointing to a large chest of drawers. “The bottom drawer was full of adult videos. At first I just threw them into the trash, but then I thought someone else might get a hold of them. So I pulled the tape out of each video and cut the tape into small pieces so no one could watch them,” he said while holding his fingers apart indicating the small length he cut the video tape into pieces.
My brain was still spinning trying to figure out how all this was possible! In purely earthly terms, it wasn’t! I came to Carl thinking that I was coming to convince him about the great God that I served. And yet I was the one being convinced that God was even greater than I had conceived! I was completely astounded by Carl’s transformation that went beyond my wildest thoughts.
Back in the congregation that I fellowshipped with regularly, I knew people who not only had ongoing struggles with temptation and sin, but many who seemingly had an inability to recognize or address them even while being confronted regularly. They were taught to stop destructive behaviors, but despite the knowledge, they wouldn’t change. And yet here, a drunken man surrenders his life and then does all of this under his own volition?! And, not only that he did it, but that he was convinced that he needed to do what he did! He radically and dramatically addressed each area with no human guidance or direction. This is really miraculous! It’s unbelievable!
Not lost in the moment was how Carl was no longer expressing the grief, depression and pain from the death of his daughter and the separation from his wife. Neither event no longer overwhelmed him as they had for months up to just hours prior.
In Romans 12:2, Paul instructs the believers to not be conformed to this world but to be, “transformed by the renewing of your mind.” The word “transformed” is the Greek word for metamorphosis, which the Strongs concordance describes, “to change into another form, to transform, to transfigure.” It’s the same word that is used in the books of Matthew and Mark when Jesus’ “face shown like the sun, and His garments became as white as light.” The text says that Jesus was “transfigured.”
Carl had undergone a metamorphosis! I had seen the transformation of many people who came to faith including my own and my sister’s. Still, this transformation really amazed me and has served as a reminder regarding my focus in ‘helping’ people. I often think that I should point out, expose and eliminate an outward “sin”. However, when God’s Spirit enters a man, light shines in the darkness and transforms that man in a way that self will and outward pressure can never accomplish. Carl’s sins not only became apparent to him, but they became abhorrent as well.
I honestly don’t recall much about the bologna, mayonnaise and onion sandwich. I just remember it being pleasurable to sit down and eat with this transformed man whom God had brought into my life many years earlier. I continued to ponder in amazement all that had happened to him from the time I had left earlier that morning. God had transformed and redeemed Carl and allowed me to be a witness.
Before I headed back to work, we talked about Pam as he asked for my thoughts about their situation and whether I thought that they could ever be reconciled. I told him that I didn’t really know. I encouraged him to stay true to God, to pray, and to allow God to lead him moving forward. I did feel that the changes that just occurred in his life would definitely resonate well with Pam if she ever became open to taking him back. It was so dramatic after all! However, there was still a tremendous amount of hurt and heartbreak for her to overcome. She really needed the love of the Lord as well.
I asked Carl if he planned to reapply to his former delivery service. He said that he really wasn’t interested in going back, but instead planned to seek employment at a bakery. “A bakery?” I asked, as his answer surprised me. “Have you worked at a bakery before?”
“No,” he replied. “But I’ve always wanted to become a baker.” I didn’t reply, but I thought the possibility of him becoming a baker without any formal training seemed unlikely. Especially since he had been out of work for some time.
As I departed, we agreed to be in contact with one another and he promised to be better at answering and returning my calls. He was. Each time we talked he sounded great - sharp, excited and always wanting to tell me something that he was reading in the Bible, or ask me a question about the Bible, or something spiritually.
I hadn’t seen the changes to Carl’s house and yard but they must have been dramatic like his personal transformation. I only know this because one of his neighbors obtained my phone number from Carl, called me, and insisted that we meet for breakfast. When I met him, he asked me to tell him about what happened to Carl. He said the change in Carl’s life was so remarkable that he wanted to have what Carl had too!
Shortly thereafter, Carl informed me that he wouldn’t be able to talk as regularly as he had been hired to be, yep you guessed it, a baker! And not just a baker at an obscure bakery, but at one of the best restaurants and bakeries in San Antonio! I couldn’t believe it! I went to the restaurant a few times after he was hired and heard both his manager and a customer sing his praises to me completely unsolicited!
Some days later he told me that he had a thought after he had been throwing away all the non-purchased baked goods at the end of each day. He approached his supervisor and asked if the restaurant would permit him to take the ‘throw away’ bread to distribute to the homeless in downtown San Antonio. His managers conferred and agreed to allow him to do so. He began telling me about his bread distribution. I was once again amazed at the Spirit-breathed guidance that Carl was receiving and acting upon!
He also let me know that he and Pam were having good conversations with each other again. He told her what had happened to him and the steps he had taken that evening. He told me that he had taken my council and left their relationship up to the Lord. Even though he desired for their relationship to be restored, he made an effort to be patient as he prayed for restoration. Again, I was beside myself with his ongoing change and the Lord’s favor in his life.
Lastly, he told me that he found a nearby church that he started to attend. He said it was a small non-denominational ‘Bible Church’ that was meeting in a small strip mall near to their house. He had already met the pastor and shared his story and was enjoying getting to know the people there. I was grateful that Carl had become active in a small local church and hoped that he would be well taken care of. I intended to attend a service with Carl, but we were quite busy with our four young children at home. Additionally, I didn’t feel comfortable asking Carl to drive across town to the new church we started to attend when I knew so little about the people there. I was more interested in him regularly gathering with a small group of believers in an informal, relational setting which it sounded as though he was doing.
During this period, Woody became pregnant with our 6th child but miscarried the baby eight weeks into the pregnancy. We met her doctor at the hospital to confirm the loss and let our family, church and friends know. While sitting alone in an empty hospital waiting area, Carl walked in and embraced me and prayed for me and Woody. Unbelievably, he decided to make a hospital visit too. Our time together was glorious and I was grateful that he came!
Before Carl left, he informed me that Pam was returning home. He was so excited and hoped that he would be a much better husband and not one that had failed so badly in the past. Carl knew they still had a long road ahead, but what amazing news! I felt that God had given me an understanding that Pam would return but I had never shared that with Carl.
After several conversations following Pam's return, Carl’s and my communications became much less regular. He had often expressed his deep love for Pam and for a restoration of their marriage. Things now appeared to be going well for them. I knew Carl desired that Pam would come to know the Lord as he had and wanted to be the person to lead her to faith. I tried to remember to pray for them.
A tragic end
I wish I could end Carl’s story with a ‘happily ever after’ ending, but I can't. At some point over the next five years, things took a turn for the worse. A note from Pam, a final meeting with Carl and later conversations with Pam shed some light into what transpired following her return.
Pam told me that their marriage was very good for several years following her return. However, she continued to feel responsible for Amber’s death and struggled with extreme apathy. She just wanted peace and quiet and to be left alone. At some point later, Carl began to drink again and Pam said that he was difficult to be around when he did.
Pam was surrounded by “friends” who attributed her ongoing apathy and despair to Carl. They continually encouraged her to leave Carl while telling her that she “deserved better.” Finally, in the midst of her despair, Pam heeded their counsel and obtained divorce papers from a lawyer. During one argument, she coaxed Carl into signing the divorce papers, knowing that he signed because of the moment. Pam said that Carl didn’t really believe that she was serious about getting a divorce.
With divorce papers in hand, Pam decided to file for the divorce without Carl’s knowledge. She wanted it to be on a day when he wouldn’t suspect what she was doing. She knew that he would not take the news well so she worked to convince Carl to return to his home in Indiana, saying that they needed some time apart. She called Carl’s father to ask for his help in convincing him to come home to Indiana. Carl decided to make the trip to Indiana and left on a Sunday. The court date ended up falling on the following Monday.
Carl, unaware of the divorce proceedings, surprised me one evening by calling and asking to meet him at a motel that was near our home. I went to his room and found the door open. On a table inside I could see a liquor bottle. One of the many things I appreciated about Carl was his transparency. At least with me, he never tried to hide anything. He simply was who he was.
Carl told me that he was disappointed in how he had failed Pam and had fallen so far from where he was. He was angry, bitter and sad. He wasn't sure of his plans but he said that he was returning to Indiana to visit the cemetery where Amber and his other daughter were both buried and to see family. He wanted to see me before he left.
I tried to encourage him regarding his coming to faith and the amazing transformation that had taken place in his life. I let him know that it was an encouragement of God's love and redemptive power to me and others that had heard his story. I reminded him what God had done in his life before. It was not lost to him either, as he remembered it all and still cherished the memories. However, a lot had happened since I was really involved in his life and he seemed pretty defeated.
In thinking about his long drive ahead, I offered Carl my Bible on audio cassette tapes. He was grateful but said his car cassette player was broken. I suggested that we visit a nearby 24 hour superstore and we found a cassette player and car power adapter that he could use. He was looking forward to listening to the tapes on the drive. We went back to his motel, prayed and said goodbyes. It was the last time that I saw Carl.
The next day, Pam drove down to the courthouse very reluctantly to file for their divorce. She didn’t really want to go through with it but she didn’t know what else to do. All of her friends had convinced her that it was the right thing to do. When Pam appeared before the judge, he asked her if divorce is what she really wanted. Everything inside her was screaming, “No!” Her lawyer had coached her to be ready for this moment and to speak with confidence because any detection of uncertainty, might delay the decision. Despite the coaching, Pam mustered a meek, “Yes.” The judge accepted her reply and the divorce was approved. Following the ruling, Pam rode the courtroom elevator downstairs with fellow new divorcees who were celebratory of their actions. They all wanted to go out and party. Pam broke down in sobs.
In July of 2000 we received a note from Pam informing us of Carl’s death. The letter was dated June 13 but it took some time to reach us as we had moved to a new house outside of San Antonio. It began:
Dear Friend(s) -
It is with extreme anguish and grief that I am writing to you to inform you of the shocking news that I received May 31st. Carl was found dead in his apartment. The coroner believes he died on May 19th. An investigation is ongoing. Cause of death may be alcohol related, but foul play may have been involved. Due to the condition of his body, I was unable to see him (and say good-bye).
The note continued to describe his burial and service. At the bottom of the letter, there was a handwritten note from Pam that read:
He still had the bible you gave him. It had obviously been read numerous times. His sisters gave it to me.
I sent a lengthy response to Pam and decided to write all that had happened to Carl during his incredible transformation. I wanted her to know in case she hadn’t heard.
“Sobbing profusely,” Pam replied saying that she wasn’t aware about all that I had written. She then included several self-deprecating comments about how she and Carl had failed in so many ways. She said that she had wanted to turn to God but never felt anything. She promised to respond more at a later date as she was able.
Pam and I exchanged a few more emails shortly thereafter. She wanted to get together with Woody and I, but she didn’t feel ready. She was very overwhelmed with all that had happened with Carl, and his death brought back much of the anguish that she felt when Amber died.
Many years then passed when Pam and I had a ‘chance’ encounter at a popular Chinese restaurant. “Are you Rick?” she asked as I glanced up but didn’t immediately recognize who she was.
“Pam!” I replied surprised. “It’s been so many years!” Pam was still working at the same nearby company and affirmed her contact info. We followed up our brief encounter with a short email exchange where she affirmed our collective desire to get together. However, she said she was busy caring for her brother and that was consuming all of her time away from work. Following that brief exchange, many years passed with no further correspondence.
An amazing reunion and a new beginning
Even though Carl’s life ended tragically, I was convinced that this story needed to be written. God’s work to instantly transform Carl remains as one of the most remarkable things that I have ever witnessed.
Should I write about the transformation but leave out the tragic ending? That would make a good story but would be disingenuous to all that I know. However, there was so much that I didn’t know. I didn’t know what happened to Carl following his metamorphosis until his death. And I never knew what became of Pam as to whether she was ok and if she was still caring for her brother. I remembered Carl’s greatest desire was for Pam to come to faith in the Lord. He wanted to be the one to share the gospel with her and to lead her to salvation but I didn't know if that had ever happened.
Pam was the only person who could fill in the details of her return, their last years together, their divorce, and Carl’s death. It had been over 10 years since the restaurant encounter and over 20 years since his death. I decided to try to contact Pam.
The phone number I had for Pam reported that it was disconnected and both her work and personal email addresses returned undeliverable. I had a mailing address for her in Bandera which is a rural town some 90 minutes west of San Antonio. I thought if Woody and I ever took a drive out in that direction, we could perhaps see if she still lived there. After a quick discussion with Woody, we decided to make the 90 minute drive to try to find Pam.
Before making the trip, I looked Pam’s name up online to see if I could confirm the same Bandera address. The search returned no one with her name in Bandera. However, there was someone with her name in Medina, Texas. Could this be the same Pam? Medina is a no stop light town in the hill country that is near Bandera. Medina calls itself the ‘apple capital of Texas’ and has a small store and restaurant full of apple treats that we frequented on our family hiking trips to the nearby state parks. Our children know it well!
In addition to the phone listing I came across an obituary for a name that I didn't recognize. I opened the obituary and discovered that the obituary was a note from Pam to her brother, who had passed away 9 years prior. The obituary included Amber's passing, so I knew that this was Pam. In the obituary, she listed Medina Texas as her home so this must have been her address at some point in time. The only questions now were whether she was still alive and whether she still lived in Medina.
With the Medina address in hand, Woody and I made the trip to find Pam. The address was actually a good 10 minutes from Medina and we had to traverse a rocky, single lane dirt road for almost a mile to get there. Upon arrival, you could see a house from the road, but the gate was locked. It didn’t appear that anyone had lived there for some time. Woody and I debated on what to do next. I pulled out my phone, validated the address and tried the last phone number again to no avail. I was ready to offer Woody a trip for some apple ice cream, after what I considered a best effort attempt.
While I was fumbling with my phone, Woody walked down the road thinking there might be another opening through the fence that extended along the property line between the road and the house. She ended up about 100 yards away at the end of the road where it abruptly ended at a gate and a ‘no-trespassing’ sign. She motioned over to me to come to her. As I approached, she asked me to look up the name of the farm that was written on a faded sign about 30 feet past the closed gate.
“Honey, why should I look them up?” I asked skeptically given the no trespassing sign. We weren’t certain that Pam had lived there.
“People know their neighbors when they live out in the country,” she stated confidently even though we had never lived in the country.
I hesitated for a moment but then remembered how God used her again and again while we were on a trip to Kyushu, Japan. Each time that I took the time to listen, we had an unexpected amazing experience. We called them ‘God moments’ because they defied logic.
As I pulled out my phone I wondered if we could get a good enough signal for Internet data access to do a search. I entered the name in the Internet browser and waited a bit. Slowly a search list started to appear. The search entries included multiple listings of the ranch name, but from ranches in other states with the same name. I retried the search adding ‘Medina’ and ‘Texas' to see if that provided better results. Again, nothing promising in the first several entries. As the search list was populated, I came across a web phone directory entry for the ranch name. Amazingly, it included a phone number with the same area code of the number that I had for Pam and an address with the same road and zip code.
“Try calling it!” Woody said as we were both surprised that the search returned an entry for this farm. I continued to stare at the entry while trying to decide if it was legitimate.
“What am I going to say?” I asked as I was amazed and yet still trying to convince myself that the listing represented the house that was in front of us.
“Just say that you are looking for Pam,” she suggested. “They’re her neighbors so they must know something.”
A woman answered the call after a couple of rings which surprised me since I personally let unrecognized numbers go to voicemail. I introduced myself and told her that I thought that my wife and I were standing in front of her gate and was hoping that she might know whether Pam still lived at the address down the road. She hesitantly asked if I was a friend so I mentioned Amber’s, Carl’s, and Pam’s brother’s names in my affirmation in hope that my knowledge of them might help to convince her that I really knew Pam. After some hesitancy and having me acknowledge that I was a friend a second time, she said that Pam had moved to Kerrville 6 years ago. I asked if she had Pam’s contact information and she again hesitated. I suggested that if she had a phone number, she could send Pam our name and number. That way Pam could contact us if she wanted. She agreed and took my contact information.
Now both amazed at the very positive turn of events, Woody and I walked back down the dirt road, climbed into our car, and started driving back down the bumpy, single lane road back to the paved farm road. Wow, 6 years was a long time ago. I wondered if her neighbor had a working phone number for Pam and whether Pam was still living in Kerrville. Amidst my questions I was jubilant that we had found the place where Pam lived and had spoken with a person who knew her and had a phone number for her.
“How far is Kerrville from here?” Woody asked as we approached the intersection with the farm road.
“I’m not sure. Maybe about 30 minutes, maybe 45?” I replied. “The road has a lot of turns that I drove once, maybe?” motioning the curves with my hand to warn Woody who can be sensitive to motion sickness. “I was thinking we should head back to Medina and get an apple cookie or some apple ice cream,” I continued while thinking that nothing would immediately transpire from our conversation with the neighbor. Besides, I was already amazed at what had transpired. Plus I was pretty sure that Woody wouldn’t turn down an offer for a sweet treat and a return to a place with many fun family memories.
“Is it on the way to Kerrville?” she asked.
“No, it’s the opposite direction,” I replied while being perplexed by her asking. “Are you thinking that Pam may contact us?”
“Well, wouldn’t that be really amazing?” she asked. “Besides, we can get ice cream in Kerrville, right?”
Having known Woody for so many years, I can usually guess what she’s going to say. However, I was very surprised with her suggestion! Regardless, I made the turn and we headed to Kerrville.
Ten minutes into our drive, we received a text message from Pam. Incredible! She had received a message from her old neighbor. We were hopeful, but this was beyond remarkable! We were simply amazed that we were once again in touch with her after so many years. Pam confirmed that she was still living in Kerrville and texted us her address. We spent the next 30 minutes reflecting on the incredible events of the day, which further amplified the anticipation of seeing Pam.
Once at Pam's house, we collectively shared a moment of disbelief at our reunion. For Woody and Pam, it had been over 30 years since they last saw each other and over 10 years since Pam's and my chance encounter at the restaurant! While continuing to bask in our mutual surprise of seeing each other again, we offered to get a meal and drove to a nearby restaurant.
As it turned out, the previous day was Pam’s birthday and her friend, who is also her postal deliverer, had surprised her and taken her out for lunch. Pam shared a story with us about how she had fallen the prior year and broken her femur near the entryway to her home. Unable to move, Pam remained there for three days until her friend became concerned that she hadn’t been picking up her mail. She knocked at the door and roused Pam and then was able to hear Pam calling for help through the door. She contacted the police to break into the house to rescue her.
At the hospital, they determined that Pam had broken her hip. For the repair, they used two metal rods which led to a long and painful rehabilitation and relearning how to walk. Pam said the injury had a positive outcome. Because of COVID, she had been living in great fear and wouldn't see anybody. She said she would even take her trash out after midnight. The injury forced her to be around people and talk to her caregivers. Their care and kindness to her helped her to overcome her fear.
During lunch, I told Pam about the request I had received to write down my stories from my daughter and that I was writing about Carl. I mentioned about getting to the time when Carl and I lost touch and asked if it would be ok to ask her questions about that period up and until his death. I knew that our discussion would bring up old wounds and didn’t want to cause her additional pain. I also wanted to check if she was ok with me writing about him and about their family. She was very supportive and her answers filled in many details.
As we talked, it was apparent that Pam didn’t remember the story of Carl’s transformation that I had sent in an email. I had communicated an abbreviated version of his story shortly after learning of Carl’s death. She had responded several times, however, she was suffering through so much grief.
Pam wanted me to tell her what had happened again so I told her of his remarkable transformation. She stopped me several times to ask questions and to remark about things she was unaware of and surprised about, including his drug and pornography abuse.
I have such a vivid memory of the morning that I saw Carl in my head. It was wonderful to have Pam confirm several small details about their house that I had remembered, even though I had only been inside those two times. I can be forgetful about some things but moments such as Carl’s transformation are so incredible, that the memories seem to be seared into my being.
Following our meal, we returned back to Pam’s house and reflected on our extraordinary friendship. Pam shared some photos and paintings of Amber. She also reflected negatively upon her life and how she wished that things had been different. She considered Amber’s and Carl’s deaths and her life as wasted and wondered what might have happened had they decided to live better lives. She wanted to believe in God and to know Him, but never felt anything.
I asked Pam about her caring for her brother, having found his obituary while searching for her address. She told us about his sickness, her long time caring for him and his death. When inquiring about other siblings or if her parents were still alive, we learned that her sister had committed suicide. She was the last surviving member of her family. Her adoptive parents had passed away.
Pam then shared the story about how she and her sister and brother been adopted by a military couple while they were stationed in Germany. Their birth mother struggled caring for the children and had given each of them up for adoption. Her adoptive parents weren’t able to have children. They were planning on only adopting Pam, but weeks later, they inquired about adopting a boy. Having discovered that Pam had a younger sister, they adopted her at 8 months old, but had to nourish her back to health as she was malnourished. A couple of years later they learned that the birth mother had a son and adopted him as well at 3 months old. Pam would often tell her siblings how lucky they were.
All I could think about in hearing this, and the earlier story about Pam being rescued, was God’s amazing love and grace. I asked her to consider that we found out about her through the life and death of our own son. I asked her to remember how the Lord directed me to their hospital on the way home one day, how she happened to be at the hospital, how the nurse assertively introduced us, and how, from there Woody and I developed a friendship with her and Carl.
I shared how the Lord encouraged me to remain supportive of Carl through the difficult moments following Amber’s death, when he struggled with depression and alcohol. I reminded her how I drove to her home late at night knowing that Carl was drunk and had stood me up on several previous occasions. It would have been easy to have stopped trying but that I continued to feel God’s encouragement to not give up. I again mentioned the early morning that the Lord transformed Carl in the most dramatic fashion which helped Carl escape his downward spiral and led them to several very good years of marriage.
I then spoke about the events of the day. How Woody and I drove over an hour and a half to a place that we’d never been to before for the sole purpose of coming to find her. Of how we were able to locate her in a most unusual manner - the discovery of an address through an online search, her brother’s obituary, an obscure home business sign on private property, an old neighbor who answered an unrecognized phone number, who knew her, and who had her contact information, And even prior to our arrival how she befriended a postal worker who came looking for her and was vital in saving her life.
I suggested to Pam that considering her adoption by an American couple, her rescue by her postal worker friend, the events of the day, and all that we had witnessed over the years, I could not dismiss how much the Lord loved her and her family as evidenced in many ways. Pam agreed and added her own unusual circumstances that led us to this point. She mentioned the fear that had crippled her since COVID and how she might not have answered her old neighbor and definitely wouldn't have offered to see us had she not broken her hip (femur) and gone through rehab.
By this point, we were all very teary eyed. We all had moments of tears during certain periods at the restaurant and talking at her home. I became emotional with an overwhelming sense of God’s great love for Pam, Carl and Amber. The memories of the many moments together flooded my mind. Were Amber’s and Carl’s deaths providing a path for Pam to be open to His love? To me, it was very plausible and explained so much. But His thoughts are not my thoughts, and His ways are not my ways.
I asked Pam if she would like to pray. She said that she would but that she didn't really know how. I told her there wasn’t any ‘right’ way to pray other than to be sincere and honest about her feelings. If she felt sorrowful for her past, she could ask Him for forgiveness and her desire to turn away. And that she could express gratitude if she had moments that she was grateful. I encouraged her to simply speak as though she were speaking to another person.
Pam prayed and indeed asked the Lord to forgive her from past wrongs. She thanked the Lord for her adoptive parents, for her daughter Amber and the time that she was able to be her mother, her siblings Keith and Donna. Her heart was open and she wept as she prayed. Woody and I did as well.
As she continued to quietly weep, I began to pray. I thanked the Lord for His great love for Pam, Carl and Amber. I thanked Him for Amber and Carl and for the amazing transformation that He did in Carl’s life and how both of their lives and deaths led us to this moment. I thanked the Lord for Carl’s answered prayer for Pam to hear and respond to His good news. As I prayed, I laid my hand gently on Pam’s head and asked the Lord to bless Pam and to fill her with His Holy Spirit. I thanked Him for His guidance and grace in giving us this moment and prayed that He would help Pam through the remainder of the time on earth and prayed that He would use her for His purpose, and to give her an abundant life.
As we drove back home, Pam texted that she communicated with her ‘postal’ friend. She texted, “I am in such a joyous mood from our lovely visit.”
As Pam and I texted a week after our visit, I asked her more about what she knew of Carl’s death. We realized that the day we came to see her was the day of his death! She said that it was the first anniversary since his death that she hadn't woken up in the morning grieving. Woody and I were stunned at the thought that we reunited with Pam on the anniversary of his death. Woody exclaimed, “You couldn’t make it up!”